ALyXaNdRiA_BaRBiE (the Sexiest Spy of the Underworld)
"It's the good girls who write in a diary, the bad girls don't have time. Me? I just want a life I am going to remember, even if I don't write it down." Wednesday, February 09, 2005 Time, 5:09 am
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Going clubbing to listen to live-band music with Fran and Alli reminds me of my college days. Those days when I finally experienced what it felt like to be out with friends at night... clubbing, going disco-dancing, dating different guys every night, karting. That was awesome! I remembered my life in Ormoc where my parents never allowed us (me and my siblings) to get out of the house at night... before dinnertime, we all have to be at home. And yet, I never really did go ga-ga over going out... I had my books to compensate for it, the rented movies, the TV... and I even had my piano practices to keep me busy. Recently, I'm craving for the night life again, and I thought I cured that itch already (I used to go out every night in my first year here in Manila). I got to thinking, maybe I'm getting homesick and compensating my loneliness with going out at nights when we get off work early. Maybe I'm sinking into some deeper gloom that I don't even want to touch on... but I have to... it sneaks up on me from time to time.... that gnawing thought "What if I fail? What if I fail to accomplish my dreams and my goals in life?" The dreams that I hold dear? I don't want to lose hope. I really don't. But I don't know how I will be able to face myself in the mirror again when I turn 30 and I have nothing to show for it except failure. I have turned down the guys who have courted me because I wanted to concentrate on "my goals," "my career," "my ambitions," "my future"... (well, not that I really cared for any of them. Come to think of it, I don't think I've never really felt deeply for any guy. Oh God! Am I made of stone?), I have acted rashly on several occasions and had been such a brat for some things that has something to do with "my future" that I have hurt my family and some friends in the process. I think that maybe, I have to start to balance my views on some things. I have to start living my life... for the present... and saving some of it for the future. Whew! Thinking... It really scares the sh*t out of me! 
ALyXaNdRiA
 
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Hi! I'm: ALyXa BaRBiE :) (people who are really close to me call me Jinji), 26 years old and an eternal Peter Pan
"Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you only have one life to live and one chance to do all the things you want to do." ;0) Send me feedback at:
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